taking time to slow down.

i have wanted to blog about an experience that happened to me about a week and a half ago.



on a saturday morning, i woke up. i was doing whatever, getting ready for work. then all of a sudden i started having chest pains. i called kasey and told him i was having a heart attack. he told me to go to the med express immediately. i ignored him and ignored the fact that it felt like pins and needles were stabbed into my chest. i went to work. i got out of the car. my left arm was numb. this is where is started panicking. i am a nursing student. i know that if you are having chest pains and your left arm is going numb, that it usually shows a problem with your heart. i tried my best to ignore everything, but with each passing moment it became harder and harder to keep my cool. i told kasey how i was feeling and he insisted that i go to the emergency room. i realize after all of this, how stubborn i am. i was at work for about an hour and then i couldnt handle not knowing what was wrong with me. i broke down in front of two dear co-workers. they escorted me off the floor and my boss told me he would take me to the emergency room himself. i called my parents and i called my doctor. my parents picked me up and we went to the hospital.



at the hospital, they did all of their tests. everything came back fine. the doc told me that he thought it was an anxiety attack. i never had an anxiety attack like that before. i wasnt even really all that anxious that day.

all i could think about was how much more i still wanted to do. i knew i wasnt dying or anything. but it was the shock of every thing. all i felt was this "i have done nothing for Christ yet." all i could do was feel inadequate. almost like a failure. all i could think of was a scene from the movie "schindler's list."

Oskar Schindler: I could have got more out. I could have got more. I don't know. If I'd just... I could have got more.
Itzhak Stern: Oskar, there are eleven hundred people who are alive because of you. Look at them.
Oskar Schindler: If I'd made more money... I threw away so much money. You have no idea. If I'd just...
Itzhak Stern: There will be generations because of what you did.
Oskar Schindler: I didn't do enough!
Itzhak Stern: You did so much.
[Schindler looks at his car]
Oskar Schindler: This car. Goeth would have bought this car. Why did I keep the car? Ten people right there. Ten people. Ten more people.
[removing Nazi pin from lapel]
Oskar Schindler: This pin. Two people. This is gold. Two more people. He would have given me two for it, at least one. One more person. A person, Stern. For this.
[sobbing]
Oskar Schindler: I could have gotten one more person... and I didn't! And I... I didn't!

when was the last time i was that passionate about loving people and leading them to christ. that i would give absolutely everything even if it was just for one person. it has become my mission to not waste the rest of my life. every day. every person. is an opportunity. every person is someone to love. i wont just coast through life anymore. not moving forward is moving backward. you are either all in or all out. there is no in between. not any more. not for me.

the doctor told me that i need to incorporate more rest into my everyday life. but i also need to incorporate a little passion and love and zest into my everyday life. im not going to coast anymore.

i am hitting the pavement running.