and God will always be more than enough.

today has been a whirlwind of emotions. this morning i was laughing so hard i almost peed my pants. i couldn't contain the tears rolling down my face. the story my friends and i were laughing at is a story for another day. probably tomorrow when i am stuck, wondering what to write about.

all of this, to tonight. i got home from being in class for over 8 hours (with only a 30 minute break), i was completely exhausted. my new india travel book came in the mail today. and i have probably 5 good hours of homework to do before tomorrow. and then, there was his house. my dear friend, james, told me he was speaking so i had better be there. i promised i would be. being honest here, i would have rather stayed home tonight to work on homework and read my new book. but i needed to go to his house tonight. i made a promise and i had to keep it.

i walked into to his house a little late and took a seat in the back row where i normally sit trying to blend in. worship had already started when i had arrived. once worship ended, james got up to speak. from his first word to his very last, i felt like he was reading my mail or my mind. i felt like he prepared that message specifically for me, about me.

i just want to share a little of what he talked about. he started off talking about super heroes (who doesn't like superheroes?). then he talked about these 8 chairs he had in the front of the room. chair one was "i believe in God, but we aren't talking, we're fighting" and chair 8 was "i am so on fire for God, i talk to people and they get saved." and then he explained that chair 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7 were somewhere in the middle. he asked us to place ourselves in a number. he then moved on to explain that we all "know" what to do to be at chair 8. we "have to" read our bibles everyday, pray the right way, sing the right songs, we have to "do" something. we know we have to fix ourselves in order to be in that chair 8. the thing is that the real superheroes of the bible didn't "fix" themselves so they could be great men and women of God. God used them in their weakness. Moses couldn't speak so what did God do? he used his speech to free the people from egypt. david was not a military man, he wasn't strong, so what did God do? he used him to defeat a giant. God doesn't want us to "fix" our faults, he wants us to fully rely on him. and he will get us through. its not about what number chair you were, its about how much you rely on God.

all day today, i had on my heart that i needed to be praying for james today. and i did, all day, short little prayers like "God, i know you're going to do a big thing tonight, let him speak your words" and "God, i know that there is someone that will be listening that needs to hear what he is going to speak about, let that person be open and listening." all day i just knew that there was going to be one person that really needed to hear james' message tonight. and God put it on my heart to pray for that person. little did i know that, that person was me. i needed to hear that more than else in the world right now. i balled my eyes out almost the entire message. the presence of God was so strong there tonight. stronger than i have ever felt it at his house.

this message is huge for me. i have always been the "i am tough and i wont let anyone see my weak side and i am going to fix all these problems." that's what i do, i'm a nursing student, we try to fix people. all my life, i have always tried to do life on my own. i think i was trying to make God proud of me, for the reason that he didn't really have to "do" anything for me, that i could take care of myself. i can't count the times that i have told myself, "oh i will fix that about me" or "i am working on my weaknesses, just give me some time." God doesn't want that from me. he wants me to trust him enough that i can hand off these huge problems. sometimes i forget how big God is, and then its times like tonight that he reminds me and he puts me exactly were i need, to be to hear what i need to hear, to make me into the person that he wants me to be. and when this huge impossible situations come up, i don't have to be superwoman, i can be me and God will always be more than enough. it's a relief, knowing that i dont have to "have it all" in order for God to love me or to be proud of me.

i am in one of those moods where i could probably write for hours, but i think i'm calling it a night for now.