just being honest.

so earlier this week i had some amazing girl time with my best friend. it was so good to just hang out and talk. we talked about relationships. some of the things that we talked about has kinda stuck with me this whole week. and i think i finally figured it out.

once i have something good, i always look for something better. my mom always told me that i deserved the best and i truly do believe that. but part of it, i think, is committing to a person despite their flaws. no one is perfect. but i am never satisfied. part of me thinks that is a good thing. it is a good thing with your relationship with God. i will always long and desire for more of Him in my life. its a constant pursuing of a better, more intimate relationship with God.

but how does that work with people? i guess once you have that person, the pursuit of a more meaningful relationship is a good thing. but how do you turn off that part of you that is looking for something (or rather someone) better? and maybe its just because it isnt my time to have that someone in my life right now and that is part of it. and maybe i just havent met the one yet. and i think a big part of it is that i have become far too independent and much too adventurous to settle down or even slow down, even if its just a hot minute.

i also think that the independence and the adventurous spirit has been born out of hurt from previous relationships. its easier to run a million miles a minute than to slow down and get hurt.

i didnt plan on being this real with you all tonight, but that the one thing that i want to work on. i want to be real. no more masks, no more "oh i am good" when i really am not. i strive to be a person that anyone can talk to because there is no mistake that i havent made and i dont want to be ashamed of mistakes any more. God doesnt even remember them. mistakes have made me into the person that i am today.